Restless Days...of Thunder?

Matt,

I hope I'm not too late.

I know you are all excited about being one of a select few (if you consider a hundred a few, I wouldn't, but you might) to attend The Clarks "Restless Days" release concert in Pittsburgh next week. Well, you know I was excited for you too, even though it is an invitation only concert, and I was not one of those dozens and dozens of people to be selected. Well even if I had I probably wouldn't have gone anyway you know. I've got very important things to do on Tuesday. Very important and extremely hush-hush things to do. Oh perhaps I've already said too much. Let's just suffice to say if I had been one of the multitude selected to attend this concert, there is a potentially statistically significant probability that I may not have been able to attend due to matters of national security.

Well that all changed today when I found out some very disturbing news. I hope you are sitting down, and please ask Lori to secure any sharp objects in a locked cabinet before reading on. I came across these images from a very reliable source. Although I found them hard to believe at first, I then realized that by simple deductive reasoning I should have come to this conclusion on my own even without the information from my very reliable source in the intelligence community.

OK, really, sit down before scrolling down....




Yes, it is true. The Clarks are going to sponsor Kyle Bush's car for the remainder of the season starting next week after the album release.

If you think about it, it really makes sense. The Clarks are from Pittsburgh, PA which is, relatively speaking, very close to Hershey PA which is the epicenter of chocolaty goodness. I know. I know. M&Ms are not made by Hershey, but stick with me. They are made by M&M-Mars corporation, and Pittsburgh PA is even closer to Mars, PA than it is to Hershey, PA so, I mean, it just makes sense.

Now I know that you may be thinking (or at least after you have seen a therapist to deal with the PTSD you WILL be thinking) "Steve what about Clark Bars?". Well, to the untrained mind that does seem like a match made in marketing heaven as a co-sponsor. That is until you take a good look at it.

The Clarks / Clark Bars

Do you see it?

Look right...right there. No not there. Oh, OK, I mean it is so obvious that I shouldn't even have to say it, but since you are in a confused mental state already I will. And I say this with authority since for nearly ten years I worked right next to the Marketing department of a national cataloger who for a brief time had a sponsorship on a NASCAR "ride" as we say in the biz. Working in such a close proximity to the marketers you hear things over the hum of computer fans and the clack of printers, and I can't tell you how many times I heard "We've got to cover our S on this." or "We can't leave our S exposed like that". So it is obvious that the "S" is extremely important in the human psyche, and in this case is in the completely wrong place. "ClarkS" in "The Clarks" is plural but "Clark" in "Clark Bars" is singular. Now there is an S at the end of "Bars", but when marketers get their S's around a bar everything just falls apart.

So, I think, shocking and disturbing though it may be, it is a foregone conclusion that The Clarks "Restless Days of Thunder" sponsorship and accompanying concert tour can't not never happen.

Now I'm not sure about the "of Thundr" or I guess "Days of Thunder" reference and the tie in to NASCAR, but it must be a very obscure reference and not as obvious as the M&M thing. I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.

As if that little bombshell weren't enough. There is more. If you can handle it, pop a couple of anti-depressants and read on.

As I mentioned above, as equally certain as the car sponsorship is also an accompanying concert tour which will follow the NASCAR circuit for the remainder of the season. And as you can see this also should have been obvious since the Sprint Cup race is at Pocono, PA this weekend, and the aforementioned album release mega concert (where I bet they will be lip-syncing) is on Tuesday. This was no accident my friend, because .....





..Kyle Bush is joining the band and will be featured and actually singing lead vocals on Tuesday. I know Scott Blasey is still in the above photo, but I think he will be just like getting Kyle water and doing his makeup and stuff like that.


Well there you have it. I hate it. I really rally hate it that I had to be the one to break it to you, but I thought you really should know. Being a fellow Dale Earnhardt Jr. fan and Chevrolet loyalist, I know that you are not going to be able to bring yourself to actually go to the concert now. But cousin...no no...Now Bro. I'm here for you. You live between me and Pittsburgh (sort of ). I can swing by, pick up that ticket from you and go give them a piece of my mind on your behalf. That is of course if I can get through the throngs of other people that will be filling the hot, cramped, potentially dangerous venue where they will be keeping normal folk with general tickets like you far far away from the band.

I'm here for you man.

Taking one for the team,
-Steve

Serpent Chronicles #6(66)

I couldn't make this stuff up.

Another tale from my cousin who needs to find new friends:

Nothing new here. Except this!!!!- remember the crazy neighbors with the 12' life sucking death serpent? Yeah well, how about she is telling me how it shed it's skin and (shudder!) they had to put some of kind of cream or salve shit on it's eyes to keep it from going blind! Shut the hell up!!!!! I don't know if I should gag or piss myself. THEN while they were holding it, HOLDING IT, with their bare hands mind you, it SPIT venom at her husband! I s**t you not. SPIT IT'S VENOM!!! I am going to get NC-17 her so consider yourself warned, I would have crushed that f***ers head. Of course that would have been a little difficult from 30' away. I don't know dude, some people.

My response:

Well ya know that is sort of how I imagine Hell. Spending eternity exfoliating and moisturizing a half blind senile angry venomous serpent. Are you sure anyone else can see this woman, and she isn't some harbinger of warning? Does she start these stories with "Woe to those who..."? It just gives me the creeps.

And then I was thinking you know they even put sun tan lotion in a spray bottle these days so you don't have to rub it on you screaching children. I'd spend the extra couple of bucks and waste a liitle to be able to stand back and shoot that salve into the tank from across the room. That is as he said assuming it was powerful enough to do it from 30' away!

The Debatetudes

I was reading a post on Jim's blog today, and it got me wondering. What if they combined the Saddleback Civic Forum (which has been much more informative than any of the other debates) with a regular debate, and the candidates were asked how their policies line up with the Beatitudes?

It might go something like this.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Obama: And 95% of them will receive a tax cut under my plan.
McCain: That one doesn't get it. If we give breaks to the rich in spirit the kingdom of heaven will trickle down to everyone else.

"Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted."

Biden: So don't tell me I don't understand normal folks from Scranton PA.
Obama: (secretly recorded) "Holy crap! he's from Pennsylvania. I thought he was from Delaware. Somebody pat him down and make sure he doesn't have a gun or a bible."
Palin: Ah ya we Joe six-packs mourn every hockey mom that gets unfairly attacked by a pit bull wearing lipstick. (smile)

"Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth."

McCain: Meek-Shmeek we need mavericks to clean up Washington D.C.!
Obama: Maverick huh! So by your own admission you are associated with Samuel Maverick for whom that term was coined, and everybody knows he was a rancher from Texas. Sound like anyone else we know? Sounds like four more years of George Bush to me.
McCain: You know I was a POW right?

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled."

Palin: and dog-gone-it if you are hungry and thirsty for oil I say drill baby drill!
Biden: (everyone still looking at Palin and didn't hear a word he said, but I'm sure it was eloquent though historically inaccurate)

"Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy. "

McCain: How merciful was that guy's fiend Bill Ayers who, wile I was in the Hanoi Hilton by the way although I don't like to talk about that, was smoking the mary jane with his other hippy friends and plotting to stick it to the man. The man that I was defending half way around the world as a POW.
Obama: See John is so out of touch. Nobody calls it mary jane any more.
McCain: (snapping fingers) Hey man, this hep cat can still swing with the best of them Daddy-O. (points at Obama with thumb) Unlike that jive turkey.

"Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God. "

Obama: Who can really define purity?
McCain: Certainly not you.
Obama: You're old.
McCain: You're ugly.
Obama: Bush lover.
McCain: Where am I?
Obama: Incoming!!!!
McCain: (dives under the podium)
Obama: Ha! I love when he dos that!
McCain: Mommy???

"Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God. "

McCain: Yes,we will make peace once they have been pounded into submission beyond a shadow of a doubt, and they admit that we won.
Obama: The sooner the better so we can move troops to be blessed in Pakistan, er um, Afghanistan.

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Palin: Um, let me see. I like "Freebird". Now I'm sure you elite media types will persecure me for likin' that righteous tune, but I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to make Shake 'n Bake in Washington. (wink)
Biden: (sigh) This is too boring for my huge throbbing brain that can barely be contained by my massive forehead. Can we get Hillary in here to take over for me? She really would have been a better pick. Seriously, I'm leaving. When is the next train?

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you...

Obama: Let me stop you right there. That's fine as long as you say it to my face Johnny boy.
McCain: Because of my numerous war wounds, you know I was a POW right, I can't lift my head to look you in the eye. So if you could just kneel before me I'd be happy to. Skippy.


Can you tell I have watched too much election coverage and I'm kinda sick of it.

Serpent Chronicles #5 Survival Tips

Ok, the key here is to stay calm and lie low until you are fully prepared. Staying in the house to "protect your family" is the right thing to do. Don't forget my tip about shoving towels under all the door cracks. It is the little details that could be the difference between life and certain death.

Lucky for you I've already done some vital research. This page has a lot of the equipment you'll need like snake proof boots and the aforementioned mesh chaps. http://www.forestry-suppliers.com/search.asp?stext=snake

In addition to that, I put a considerable amount of time into researching machetes. I decided on this one as the curvature of the blade seemed just right for a hacking blow to something on the ground.
http://www.buy.com/retail/product.asp?sku=205733694&listingid=23684785&dcaid=17902

Alright are you still with me? Take a deep breathe and focus. This is the most important part especially until you are armed and prepared. I hope I'm not too late....Do NOT tell Lori. The reasons are twofold. First, you can make the necessary purchases to ensure your family's survival without having to take the time to explain yourself. This is war , and executive privileges come into play. Anyway, it is easier to ask forgiveness later than permission now. (that little pearl of wisdom has may many applications that are beyond the scope of this document) Second and most important whenever you go outside make sure she is with you because, and this is key, you don't have to outrun the snake, you just have to outrun whoever is with you. So when you scream like a little girl and take off like a bat out of hell, she will be surprised and probably hesitate before following you giving you a nice head start. This could really be anyone who is unaware, but Lori is most likely to be with you so I'd keep her in your back pocket as an insurance policy. If you have already tipped her off you can resort to tripping, but that will take some more explaining once the neuro-toxins wear off, and she is able to speak again so I'd start thinking up something now.

On the surface this may seem cowardly, but it is really very practical if you stop and think about it. After all, YOU know the situation including the exact type of demon-snake, and YOU are much better prepared to make the 911 call to get the appropriate anti venom on the way as quickly as possible. You are only thinking of everyone's safety and survival.

As a precaution you may want to share this advice with the other men in your neighborhood so no one is taken off guard.

Oh ya, and punch that guy once for me too. I hope he hasn't reproduced!

PS. Thanks for the laugh. That is unbelievable!

Serpent Chronicles #4 This is getting serious!

I got this a few days later from my cousin....

Ok, check it out. How about, I'm talking to a lady I work with today who lives behind us and she is telling me how her husband went to Curwensville and caught a 3 FOOT TIMBER RATTLER!!! Caught it!!! On purpose!! To keep!!! At their house!! As a pet!! Are you sh***ing me?!?! She showed me a picture and I wet myself.

I can't stop crying right now. I'm terrified. What the h** am I going to do?!? I obviously cannot leave my house anymore. I'm lucky I made it in the door tonight. I can feel it looking at me through the woods. I think they drink blood don't they? No wonder there is no more wildlife around the neighborhood anymore. The son of a bitch ate it all!

Anyway, I figured you were the only snake wrangler I knew so I'm asking you for advice. I'm screwed aren't I? I knew it!! S**T!!!!! Please try to keep in touch. If you don't hear from me, look for the snake.

P.S. She was telling me how her husband was going to MILK IT!!! Milk it and sell the venom!! Himself!! If I ever get the chance to leave my house again, I'm going to punch that goofy bastard.

Serpent Chronicles #3 Encouragement in the face of danger

Ah finally someone who understands the immanent danger that surrounds me. ..

Reply from my cousin:

=====
As far as the snake story, I thought I was going to p*** myself laughing. All because it was happening to you! I hate snakes. Ninja snakes as well as jumping cobras are very common. Especially where you and I live. They are EVERYWHERE!!! Oh s***!! I may have just saw one. Nope extension cord. Narrowly escaped death! AGAIN!! Let me tell you, wire mesh, glue traps, and snake huggers are child's play. Shovels are the only way to go. Man I hate snakes! Almost messed myself again thinking about them. Wire mesh boot chaps!! Awesome!! Tell her to order two pair.

I'm here for you bro. We will get through this snake emergency together.

Until next time, be brave. I know that's easy for me to say.
=====

I read this and felt vindicated, but then I remembered that he works in a mental health facility and has probably undergone training on how to deal with people like me. So this may just be a distraction to keep me occupied until the nice men in the clean white van come to pick me up, but it made me feel better anyway.

If he was humoring me though he doesn't think I'm crazy any more....

Serpent Chronicles #2 - More snakes than you can shove a shovel at.

OK by sprung into action I literally mean sprung. With one hand on my desk and the other on a shelf I leaped over the wily beast with my mind spinning and heart pounding. I didn't take time to look back, but I'm sure I heard the snap of his jaws as I narrowly missed the fatal bite. I'm sure its fangs were dripping with venom and the blood of its last kill. Oh yes a worthy adversary indeed.

As I mentioned before I don't see well. In fact, I am legally blind and can't read normal sized text without at least 5x magnification. This is important why? I'm glad you asked. I'll tell you. It is important because as I risked my very life to get between the snake and my two young daughters (ooh ya, that's a good excuse huh) I left my magnifying glasses in the office...In the other end of the office...on the other side of the jumping cobra in the office. Do you see where I'm going here? I ain't going back in the office OK. Oh ya, and my wife and two older children ,children who can read, are gone for the day. So, now I'm out of the office with my two helpless, bite-sized, illiterate daughters (OK they are only 4, but functionally illiterate none the less). I don't know who to call to get rid of the black mamba, and even if I did, I can't read the phone book!!!

What would MacGyver do now? Who cares! My sister in law showed up out of the blue, and she has three smaller kids so the odds of at least one of mine surviving just got better. Oh and she can read. Woo-Hoo! Luckily we found a "wildlife control"specialist in the phone book to come and remove the accursed beast.

A few weeks later I had a second encounter with another death adder. At least I think it was a different one. The wildlife control dude *said* he was taking it away with him. It is quite likely the ninja serpent of death devoured the unwitting fool and drove his truck back here to exact its revenge. Oh yes, a worthy adversary indeed.

I sent this in an email to my cousin who I grew up with . I knew he would understand the peril I was was facing.

=====
The excitement for the day was the 2ND SNAKE in my flippin' office in less than a month. Ya the first one freaked me out so bad I called a wildlife dude from Erie to come get it out. I missed half a day of work with it shut in my office and towels shoved in the crack under the door . (Oh by the way that was my MacGyver inspiration before sis in low arrived) When he came he couldn't find it, and put down a glue trap and some lure to catch it ( I was not impressed. Let's lure some snakes INTO my office. Great idea!). When he turned around and came out of the office it was just lying on the floor so he caught it and took it (and $140) away to release it in the wild somewhere in Erie county. It was a corn snake, which they say is pretty docile and harmless, but we all know Wikipedia lies so I refer to it by it's more common name "ninja serpent of death"!

That was snake #1. Today I saw snake #2, in my office once again, and since I had moved a freezer out of here yesterday the door isn't even on the hinges to trap the damn thing. So I put a window screen across the door because we all know 2 ounces of thin metal mesh will stop even the deadliest ninja serpent. That is of course unless it is a jumping cobra which I thought entirely possible. So this time we didn't call Mr. snake hugger relocation dude. (Whose photo I now suspect is on the back of a milk carton anyway) I held a sponge mop on its neck so it couldn't get away and my wife called Jed who lives up the street. Jed is a great guy and luckily not afraid of snakes. I know this because he killed one on my step a couple of days after snake #1 was sent off to his life of luxury. So Jed comes down and I've got a hold of the mop and my arms are killing me from pushing down so hard on it (and I'm still on the other side of the screen of course leaning into the room), and he gets in the steel cage with it and is like "hmmm, that's a big one." "Hmmm." As he is deciding on the best way to dispatch the beast I says "I've got a flat nose shovel in the back we could use." "Oh that would be great" he says," and kids should probably leave now as this is going to probably get all PG-13 in a minute". So I get the shovel, the snake gets out from under the mop, and Jed whacks him, but unfortunately it was not a fatal blow. Luckily he has some nice work boots on and a boot to the head finishes off unlucky snake #2.

So just before I got your email I dropped about another $100 on 2 different kinds of snake traps and a machete to keep in my office. I asked Heidi for the wire mesh bite proof chaps for Christmas. Turns out mesh is pretty effective against rabid serpents.